Lesson #1: Gettin' Laid

2011-04-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

How many sex scenes does the typical Zombie movie have? If your answer is anything but zero, consult the following guide: how to kill yourself like a man. Let’s face it, women are not the smartest survivalists out there, and when a zombie apocalypse happens, chances are the majority of them are going to die. At that point, you’re going to have two choices: cornhole a sheep or zombie. If that sounds appealing, then I would suggest clicking the box in the upper right hand corner of your browser that looks something like this: [x]. For the rest of you, we’re going to teach you how to get laid. I’m not talking about a one night stand; I mean you’re going to get more pussy than a fucking gynecologist. You’ll be more popular with bitches than Oprah. How exactly? Keep reading.

Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re a virgin. How do I know? Not many people are stupid enough to take advice from a virgin webmaster on how to get laid, but since you are: congratulations. We’re going to pimp you out.

At this point in your life, you probably look something like this:

We’re going to turn you into this:

Pimpin' 101

How can one undergo such a transformation? Take the following advice:
Rap: The first thing you’re going to need to do is drop an album. Don’t worry though; you don’t actually need any talent.
Style: You’re going to need 20 cans of hairspray, a pimp suit, gator boots, and gold teeth. Then, when people tell you how stupid you look, just call them haters.
KFC: Nothing is more attractive to a fat chick.

Pick-up Lines 101

Now that you’ve got some swag, it’s time to learn some pick-up lines. Since I don’t know any, I’m going to have to refer you to the video below. In it, you’ll get a lesson in geek; and by that, I mean how to get “gurls” when you white and nerdy.

If you listen to any advice in this article “I feel sorry for your mother.” But at the same time, congratulations, this will be you in no time:

The zombie version of a cum shot

How to Survive a Zombie Attack

Lesson #1: Gettin' Laid